I never considered writing to be an outlet, but I seem to be more capable of putting my feelings onto paper than I am with putting them into spoken words. I seem to resort to this old thing when I'm struggling, or so I've noticed. I supposed that isn't a bad thing... better written down than bottled up? let's just go with it...
*disclaimer* as it pertains to this, and probably future, posts: when referencing a "year," I mean the school year. I'm a teacher. it just makes more sense in my head. again, I ask that you just go with it...
this year.
ha.
"ha," to me, is the best way that I can think to describe the events of this year. and in such a short time frame too. I cannot seem to win this year. it's like all the bad luck, bad karma and general badness in my life are plotting against me. or at least, from the viewpoint of a melodramatic 23 year old, that is how it has all come across.
in the span of about 6 months, I have gone on such a roller coaster of emotions that I literally am incapable of them now. I'm convinced my emotions took a vacation and just don't plan on returning. quite frankly, I don't blame them. from the sadness of leaving friends, to the joy of being reunited. the electricity that surged throughout my body the day I got my dream job, to the depression of having it taken away. the relief of finding a new job, new routine and new found hope that I was going to get it right this time, to the gut wrenching feeling of having my home taken from me and having to give it all up. all of which led me to more goodbyes and the journey home. sounds like fun, huh?
now, I know how that sounds. you're probably thinking, "what in the world has she been doing?" that I can answer simply: I was executing MY plan. I was living MY life the way that I thought I should be. I was going about my days based on temporary happiness, living in the moment, and embracing the things and the people that came my way alone.
this life. this life that I have been given, and, to use the term people choose to throw around so carelessly these days... the life that I have been blessed with. I have been doing it all wrong. I thought I could handle it, and I thought I was the most capable of taking care of myself. who knows me better than me, right? wrong.
in a previous post, I mentioned doors opening and closing. I mentioned "leaving a window open" when doors seemed to shut and no others looked like they'd be opening any time soon. well, it's time that I take my own advice. God has been absent in my life lately, and it stands out like a sore thumb when you stand back and look at my life these last 6 months. the thing is, God wasn't absent because He didn't care, or because He didn't think I was worth the time. He was absent because I blocked Him out. I thought I could handle life and all of it's curveballs. I stopped going to church because I wasn't being told anything I hadn't heard before. I thought that I knew more than what the sermons were talking about. holy crap did I prove myself wrong, y'all.
yeah, these last months have been rough. ask anyone that has gone through them with me, they'll agree and testify to the hot mess that I have been the whole time. but you know what is totally rad about it all? I moved home and surrounded myself with the people that love me and want nothing more than to see me succeed in life. I started going to church again. I transferred my certification home (because when I retook that test, I passed!!!!). things are looking up because I'm no longer dictating what happens in my life. God is. His plan for me, for you, for all of us is so much greater than anything we can ever imagine.
moral of the story, don't do anything alone. it's hard, it hurts, and it's insanely lonely. let Him use your strengths. let Him guide you and things will all work out. there is nothing "too small" for our God to handle and when you truly believe that, and act on it, it is incredible what you will accomplish.
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