bright lights at the end of neverending tunnels

I never considered writing to be an outlet, but I seem to be more capable of putting my feelings onto paper than I am with putting them into spoken words. I seem to resort to this old thing when I'm struggling, or so I've noticed. I supposed that isn't a bad thing... better written down than bottled up? let's just go with it...

*disclaimer* as it pertains to this, and probably future, posts: when referencing a "year," I mean the school year. I'm a teacher. it just makes more sense in my head. again, I ask that you just go with it...

this year.
ha.
"ha," to me, is the best way that I can think to describe the events of this year. and in such a short time frame too. I cannot seem to win this year. it's like all the bad luck, bad karma and general badness in my life are plotting against me. or at least, from the viewpoint of a melodramatic 23 year old, that is how it has all come across.

in the span of about 6 months, I have gone on such a roller coaster of emotions that I literally am incapable of them now. I'm convinced my emotions took a vacation and just don't plan on returning. quite frankly, I don't blame them. from the sadness of leaving friends, to the joy of being reunited. the electricity that surged throughout my body the day I got my dream job, to the depression of having it taken away. the relief of finding a new job, new routine and new found hope that I was going to get it right this time, to the gut wrenching feeling of having my home taken from me and having to give it all up. all of which led me to more goodbyes and the journey home. sounds like fun, huh?

now, I know how that sounds. you're probably thinking, "what in the world has she been doing?" that I can answer simply: I was executing MY plan. I was living MY life the way that I thought I should be. I was going about my days based on temporary happiness, living in the moment, and embracing the things and the people that came my way alone.

this life. this life that I have been given, and, to use the term people choose to throw around so carelessly these days... the life that I have been blessed with. I have been doing it all wrong. I thought I could handle it, and I thought I was the most capable of taking care of myself. who knows me better than me, right? wrong.

in a previous post, I mentioned doors opening and closing. I mentioned "leaving a window open" when doors seemed to shut and no others looked like they'd be opening any time soon. well, it's time that I take my own advice. God has been absent in my life lately, and it stands out like a sore thumb when you stand back and look at my life these last 6 months. the thing is, God wasn't absent because He didn't care, or because He didn't think I was worth the time. He was absent because I blocked Him out. I thought I could handle life and all of it's curveballs. I stopped going to church because I wasn't being told anything I hadn't heard before. I thought that I knew more than what the sermons were talking about. holy crap did I prove myself wrong, y'all.

yeah, these last months have been rough. ask anyone that has gone through them with me, they'll agree and testify to the hot mess that I have been the whole time. but you know what is totally rad about it all? I moved home and surrounded myself with the people that love me and want nothing more than to see me succeed in life. I started going to church again. I transferred my certification home (because when I retook that test, I passed!!!!). things are looking up because I'm no longer dictating what happens in my life. God is. His plan for me, for you, for all of us is so much greater than anything we can ever imagine.

moral of the story, don't do anything alone. it's hard, it hurts, and it's insanely lonely. let Him use your strengths. let Him guide you and things will all work out. there is nothing "too small" for our God to handle and when you truly believe that, and act on it, it is incredible what you will accomplish.

enjoy the ride

these days, it seems like I have a never ending swirl of chaotic thoughts fighting each other for my undivided attention. it has officially gotten to the point where I am losing sleep because I have so much going on in my head.

"you graduate in May, what are you going to do? where are you going to teach? should you come interview during the semester, or just submit my application and hope for the best? how can you maintain a job while student teaching? when will i sleep? boy, I should really start working out again. you should go see your work kids today... what should I wear today? or tomorrow? where did all my clothes even go? where's _______? why haven't I seen them in forever? makeup... no makeup... do I wear this too much? what would my mom and dad do if they were in this situation? naturally its the holiday season.. how many people are going to ask if I'm still single?"

it just doesn't seem to stop. whether it is something that really requires my attention, or something that just has to do with where I'm standing in that moment... it seems like I don't really have any answers to any of my questions. sure, this seems petty, but for someone that has always known what was going on in their life, someone that has always had a plan and someone that really doesn't like surprises.... well, now you see my dilemma. I'm getting a full, frontal attack from my own thoughts.


so, in short, this is simply to reassure you that you are not alone in NOT knowing what is going on around you, or even in your own life. stop stressing about things that you ultimately have no control over. you are only going to bring harm to yourself by overthinking, overanalyzing and overreacting.

times like these, its best to just sit back and enjoy the ride. even if you don't know where its going to take you.

leave a window open.

ever since I was little, I have been reminded that friends will come and friends will go. this was always a concept that made more sense to me as I got older, having experienced this transition many times throughout junior high and high school. as we get older, we realize bit by bit who we are and what it is that we will become. through this process, changing friends is natural because you adapt to those that are more like you. as we change, our friends change. simple as that. granted, there are those select few that you will always have, and that will never change, but for the most part we continuously close and open doors to new experiences, people and overall changes.

this summer has been the first door closing that really hit home. I have temporarily lost one of my best friends. who is to say if we will ever be as close again, or if we have run our course and another door has closed. either way, it has shown me how strong I really am. I'm not wonder woman by any means, but this has shown me that I am capable of one thing I have never been fully capable of: change. I have learned to lean on others when I am struggling. I have learned that I can count on people, but they all reach the point when they may need to close my door, even though I don't think it is the right time. I have done a lot of thinking lately. more than I can recall ever doing on the same subject. I have learned that I am BEYOND grateful for everything that I was able to share with this best friend of mine. the laughs, tears, anger, and general time spent with them. I have come to realize that God truly does have a plan for each of us, and that means that we have to let Him act in ways that we may not see fit at the time, but may be in our best interest.

I'm not saying it has been, or will be, easy. this has been one of the hardest summers of my life. my faith has been tested, my trust and who I know for certain I can count on. I have learned to relax and not jump to conclusions. I have also learned to accept the things I cannot change. trusting God is the most difficult thing I have ever done because I cannot see what He is doing, or what He intends to do down the road. but there is one thing I know for certain: He will never let me down. He will never leave me stranded, helpless or alone. He has given me friends that have stood by my side through thick and thin and have never wasted time asking questions when I needed them. He has also given me the best parents anyone could ask for. the support system He has graced me with is outstanding.

my point is this:
things may not work out how you would like them too. but things will always work themselves out if they are meant to be. God has a plan.

so when a door closes, and another doesn't seem to be opening... leave a window open. let God in and see what wonderful things He can do in your life, both through you and for you.

Psalm 9:9-10
The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.

a word to the wise

this year, being a sophomore, i have seen more roommate switches than i had ever thought humanly possible amongst the freshman class. girls, in particular, come to college deciding to room with their best friends because they just can't go another day without them, they feel lost when they're gone, etc. and it absolutely destroys their relationship. i have seen, in my own dorm, 5+ roommate switches in the first month or so this semester because they decided it would be a great idea to have their best friend as their roommate.


unnecessary drama, extended fights that would have blown over in ten minutes had you been able to get away from each other. these are the things that can potentially tear your relationship apart. now, some of you might have been through enough that your relationship can withstand just about anything. i commend you on that. however, that usually is not the case, at least from what i have seen! it has been interesting to me to see how things have turned out for students that have decided to stick with what they know and be roommates with someone so close.


i am here to tell you, i went potluck my freshman year, met 7 new girls that i lived with all year long and they are all still very good friends of mine. granted, i spent a lot of time outside of my room and with my best friends, who are still my best friends. however, i did not live with any of them. i think that is the significant difference between myself and all the other freshman girls that arrived this year. while i love all my friends, and having sleepovers and everything is great, you still need your alone time. you still need somewhere that you can call your own and get away from people. i learned that last year before i had the chance to damage any relationships and i am eternally grateful to my parents who recommended doing so.

so, a word to the wise, (whether you choose to act on this information is up to you) do not room with your best friend. you may live with them, be close, neighbors even, but do not room with them. who knows, you might have 7 new best friends.


ps.
strictly an observation. by no means do i know everything.

it's all a matter of opinion..

opinions. everyone has one. you can't escape them, regardless of how hard you try, you will always have a stance on something. there will seldom be a time that you don't have something to say, whether it tears something down or builds something up.

as for me and my opinion, i am much like my father in the sense that if you ask me for my opinion, be prepared. i won't sugar coat anything to make someone feel better or "cushion the blow". if you ask me how i feel about something, i'm going to tell you. that has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part, it has been appreciated. people don't typically ask if they don't want to know. i try not to be rude about it, but if you ask me, i will be glad to tell you how i see things. there will be reasons for my opinions that you may or may not agree with, but there will be information to back myself up, explain why i feel a certain way instead of seeing it how you do.

that's the other thing.. everyone is allowed to have an opinion. no two opinions have to be the same. nor does it mean we can't be friends because we have different tastes or viewpoints on a subject. you don't have to have the same stance on everything to be friends and hang out.

just something we talked about today and i thought there were some good points to be made and i figured i would share them. short post tonight.

weddings

when you think of weddings, you often first think of the bride. how excited she is, how consumed she is in the planning, how she will no longer have her parent's last name and you find yourself calling her by her new name. girls begin planning their own weddings from a very young age, trust me, i did it. do it? am doing it... you can pick one. either way, girls fantasize about the big day for years before it is even a possibility. how your dress will look, how you will arrange everything, who you will marry.

picking the perfect dress is quite possibly one of the most nerve racking, time consuming, tedious tasks imaginable... and i haven't even had to do it yet! girls will spend hours just looking online at different bridal websites trying to pick something they like, let alone all the time they spend physically going to stores to find a dress that suits them physically, suits their character and still makes them look absolutely stunning. little black dresses have nothing on this one.

as for the setup of your wedding... themes, locations, are you making your own center pieces? there is a never ending list of things to go over, think through and plan to a T just to be able to have a wedding. this weekend i had the pleasure of helping put together the rehearsal dinner setup and things for Steven and Ali's wedding. i learned more than i ever imagined possible. crucial details, placement, etc. it's a lot of hard work for the 30 minute ceremony and reception to follow. but if done right, man is it great. seeing them is what brings me to my last point...

who. the groom. Mr.
i have spent the last 19 years imagining who i will marry some day. lets be honest, what girl doesn't? in the last few months, i had a chat with a good friend of mine about dating her best friend. you can imagine my surprise when she told me she wanted nothing to do with dating someone she was so close too. what could be more perfect? she said she wasn't willing to risk ruining such a good friendship. while yes, i can understand that viewpoint, i also have a different opinion on the subject. and after seeing Steven and Ali?

who wouldn't want to marry their best friend?

why would you not want to spend eternity with someone that knows you so well, in great detail, about every aspect of your life? they have seen you at your lowest points, but they also know exactly how to pick you back up again. they witness those relationships that just don't make sense, that you can never really explain just what you were thinking during that one. they're there for you during hard times with other friends, giving you support, advice and love. why not just date someone that knows everything about you, skip the awkward phase and just be happy trusting someone that knows so much about you, you knowing everything about them in return. i couldn't imagine anything better.

i mentioned the topic to my parents and my dad simply said, "your mom is my best friend." now, understand, being best friends doesn't automatically mean everything is hunky dory. relationships of any sort take work. they take patience, time, trust, love, and a whole lot of other stuff that comes with constantly building your relationship together. not just individually. who else would be better than your best friend?

food for thought.

mother dearest

mom. madre. momma. 

for those of you that don't have the privilege of knowing my mom, i'm the spitting image of her. literally. she has recently taken up a new hobby... running half marathons. and for that, i could not be more proud. i participated in one of them with her and i must say, it's not as easy as it sounds. give it a whirl. you'll be dead. or dying. or both. she has kept up with it, getting excited all over again when one she ran last year rolls around again. the hard core training, on top of a full time job i might add, and still being there to be a mom to both my sister and i. 

just call her Wonder Woman. 

she has been an inspiration throughout my life. as a girl, it was, and still is, nice having a role model in my life that is comfortable in who they are. someone that has encouraged me to be me and not worry about what everyone else thinks. after all, i AM Sam Felter. every girl needs a positive adult role model to model their own life after. or at least go to for tips and tricks!

she has provided me with the comfort and ease of talking to her about anything without making it weird or awkward, which often provides us both with a good laugh. from jammin' to country music around town, to making me do push-ups along with an app. we both have to get in shape for summer. the bonding moments never cease. 

she pushes me to do my best, be my best and strive for anything i want to accomplish. 

but most of all, she's my mom and she's there when i'm sick. cause Lord knows i'm a helpless lump when i'm sick. rendered useless, she brings me soup for dinner and buys me sprite and crackers. i couldn't ask for a better mom!