cursing

i'll be the first to admit that when i get mad, a few choice words have a tendency to work their way out of my lips... it's not something i'm proud of, nor is it something that has gone unnoticed. certain people, certain situations have a tendency to bring out the worst in me and i am aiming to fix it. i'm not proud of this trait by any means and putting it out there for everyone to see is definitely not one of the easiest things i have done. some have addictions to drinking, smoking or other forms of illegal substances. as for myself, i just can't control what comes out of my mouth until it's too late and have to suffer the repercussions. 

what repercussions you may ask? people think of me differently. they give me those looks like "we expected more of you." and to be honest, i expect more of myself. which is why i'm making the conscious effort to pay closer attention to my thoughts before putting them into words. while yes, sometimes those choice words do such a good job conveying just how angry i am, how wrong things are going, they aren't right and i need to figure out better ways to convey my emotions and handle myself. 

instead, i'm choosing to keep my thoughts to myself. i know many people that don't believe this to be possible, but trust me, when i want to do so, i can keep to myself so much it scares people. not that scaring them is a better alternative. because i am so loud, people often mistake my silence for problems, or that i don't feel well. most cases, you're right. but when the time comes, i will now be silent. taking deep breathes to gather my thoughts and calm my raging temper. i will no longer let my words get the best of me. 

i've said it before, and i'll say it again. it's cliche to say that i'm growing, because that typically means that i'm not, that i just think that i am. but i really do feel as if this is an executive decision that should have and could have taken place long ago. but i'm being the bigger person then my "other self" and taking control of the situation. 

not to mention, it's just not very classy. and if that's not enough motivation, then i don't know what is.